The Dark Side Of Wuhu Island

April 26, 2010 at 9:03 pm | Posted in Gaming Article | 1 Comment
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Wuhu Island may have seemed like such a cheery place to live, with rolling green hills, crystal clear, blue water ways and filled with pleasant, balloon-holding citizens. But as this special report shows, life on Wuhu Island isn’t all it appears to be…

You may have taken a flight or two over Wuhu Island and had your breath taken away by its glorious vistas and stunning locations. Taking to the skies and plotting a path from the sparkling waters around the harbour to the majestic volcano rising up from the middle of the Island is an enriching experience and is currently one of the hottest holiday activities around. But there is a darker side to the Island, one which the Island tourist board is keen to brush under the carpet. We sent our reporters to Wuhu Island to investigate rumours of dissent amongst the Island population. All residents’ identities have been changed due to fear of repercussions from the totalitarian Island government.

The first Mii we spoke to was Frank. For five years Frank had a great career working as a lane attendant at the Islands bowling alley in the centre of town until he became the victim of a vicious hate campaign waged against him by the mayoral office after the mayor was denied a match-winning 100-pin strike during a charity match with visiting officials from the Mushroom Kingdom. Frank told us that officers from the local police force would regularly harass him and his family. “I became an outcast in the town so we had to move, but the housing situation in Wuhu is so bad we had to rent a hotel room on the golf course. It’s costing a fortune and we’re not a high income family.”

But it hasn’t always been like this. Debbie, the editor of the underground Newspaper ‘The Truth at Dawn’ told us “The troubles started about a year ago when we hosted a series of running events around the Island. It was quite nice to get a few visitors to the Island, you know, to see some new faces and all that. But after that the tourist board received some funding from an unnamed source, which we believe to be a major software company. We suddenly found ourselves in the middle of a rebranding exercise as the government became obsessed with pushing Wuhu as the ideal holiday location for sports enthusiasts. Then all of a sudden we had to take part in sports round the clock, day in day out.”

Another resident who didn’t wish to be filmed told us “We are forced to take part in sport events every single day. When I moved here I was impressed by the daily exercises but now after several months the strict regime is taking its toll. I just want to have a day off now and then – my arm aches from all the Frisbee tournaments – but it’s not possible when the police routinely check our houses for no-shows. This week alone I’ve had to take part in an all-day archery session followed by a gruelling cycle ride around the island. Tomorrow I’ve got to fly around the Island non-stop in a plane; I don’t even know how to fly.”

Frank bemoaned the lack of variety of sports available: “the government is very narrow-minded in the choice of activities. I personally don’t like any of the sports we have to take part in, I’m more of a tennis man, but they won’t let us play tennis. It’s very strange – we have tennis courts, very nice tennis courts in fact, but we can’t use them.”

Debbie was equally unhappy about the amount of sports forced upon residents. “have [the government] never heard of the maximum 48-hour working week? Since we’ve been made to take part in all the events the Island’s economy has flustered. With everyone on the Island on a fun run or cycle ride, we don’t have anyone left to man the shops. The only ones that have stayed open are those selling sports equipment to the tourists and those are run by the government themselves.” That must have taken a toll on the existing infrastructure, we enquire. Debbie is scathing in her response, “we had a prosperous fishing industry but that’s stopped now all the fishermen have become golf caddies. The farming has also come to an end; instead of preparing and harvesting crops the government pays our farmers to stand around holding balloons all day, it’s just ridiculous”

Despite welcoming visitors to the Islands and the cheerfully bright exterior it’s keen to promote, the government remains very xenophobic and wish to control any foreign media working in the area. Our reporters came under suspicion from local officers and had to abandon several interviews when pro-government Miis tried to stop our activities. The Island tourist board is also enthusiastic to highlight the more interesting locations around Wuhu, like the lake, wind farm and broken down vehicles. But there are some places they are less keen for explorers to discover.

Frank revealed “The Island sewage works pumps waste straight out into the sea, the pipes are hidden from the tourists and disguised to look like natural rock formations. Thanks to the increase in tourism our fragile infrastructure just can’t cope with the extra waste so the government has taken to secretly dumping excess sewage in the sea after dark. The situation has gotten so bad that we can’t spend time at the beaches without getting ill.”

Debbie told us: “it’s all fake, all a front; like the Truman show, but with more sports. The volcano is billed as a major attraction but it’s been dormant for centuries; likewise the whale watching, we haven’t had whales in the area since the government carved a deal with Norwegian and Japanese fishing companies for exclusive whaling rights in our waters. What the tourists see is just an animatronics puppet”

We asked Frank if he’ll ever think about leaving the Island he’s called home for the last twenty years. “A year ago I’d have said to you I’d never leave this Island willingly, but we’re really thinking about trying to get out of here.” We heard stories about secret groups smuggling unhappy residents off the Island in cargo vessels and Frank explained why some residents had taken to such a desperate and highly dangerous move. “It’s hard to escape the Island. We don’t have an airport for a start and the only cruise-ship we have here is non-functioning. Plus the planes the government give us only have enough fuel for about five minutes flight-time so we can’t use them to escape.”

We asked the government about the accusations but they declined to comment. Instead we were given a standard press release from the PA at the tourist board:

• Wuhu Island has so many things to do, there’s never a dull moment. A dozen activities await visitors: Archery, Frisbee®, Basketball, Cycling, Canoeing, Power Cruising, Table Tennis, Air Sports, Bowling, Swordplay, Golf and Wakeboarding.
• Each activity has multiple fun challenges designed to keep visitors coming back for more. Basketball players might compete in a three-point shootout or jump into a three-on-three pickup game. Archery enthusiasts must aim for the bull’s-eye across ever-increasing distances and obstacles.
• Depending on the activity, players can compete solo or against other players. Some activities even let players team up to work cooperatively.

We sincerely hope this report can force the government to make changes to benefit the lives of the Islanders. We encourage anyone visiting the Island to make a stand against the cruel regime being inflicted on the residents.

This article has been dedicated to Frank who disappeared shortly after our reporters left the Island.

1 Comment »

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  1. I love this, so funny

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